I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
