just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
