some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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