Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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