oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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