My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
