Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
