I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
