ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
