I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She bit a glass in half.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My dad is sitting where you rode me
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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