i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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