remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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