he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
