I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
