So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
being pregnant is like rehab
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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