Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
