dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
