i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
This house was built for laser tag.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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