I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Randomize
