just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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