mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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