So drunk its hurt
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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