Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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