I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
