The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
