Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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