I cannot find my penis.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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