well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
