god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
