Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
