chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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