Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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