So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
