Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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