I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
