i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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