i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
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Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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