I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
