If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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