nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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