What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
