As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
