im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Ketchup is God's man juice
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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