I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
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I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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