Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
