just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
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i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
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I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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