Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
