I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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