I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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