i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
