I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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