I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
