mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize