I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
